Can't Imagine

When I tell people that the bio-parents to our kiddo are doing great and whether things stay like they are right now or they continue to improve that their kid'll probably go home to them eventually...  People jump on the sympathy train.  I tell them these things with a smile on my face, I say these things with excitement in my voice, but people don't see it, and people don't hear it.  What they see and hear are unfortunately the person I used to be a few months ago.  The person they assume I am still today.  The figure my attitude is just a mask to what I'm truly feeling on the inside.  And guess what!?  It's not!  It really is a God thing that it isn't a mask.  The smile and the excitement isn't me putting on a front trying to get you to move on from a difficult topic.  I'm not trying to hide how I feel.  And when you jump on the train to give me sympathy because you know this must be hard for me... I want to throw you off, lol, you got on the wrong train my friend.  This train?  Not a sad one.  It's a happy train.  It's a party train.  Don't be a party pooper, lol.  When I talk about them happily it's cause I'm actually happy for them.

See here's the thing, and it's confusing, I can imagine the bio-parents getting their kid back.  I can imagine their happy future together.  I can dream these happy things for them, and I pray they may happen.  But at the same time I can not imagine this kid not being in my life.  So what I simply tell people when they try to pity me and whatever because they know when the kid leaves it'll break my heart... well I tell them I don't want to think about it.  The thing is honestly... I don't even know if I can think about it.

Think about the people in your life, can you picture life without them?  Say it's a child, the child just came home from being born yesterday, can you imagine life without them?  Two days ago they weren't here!  You imagined so many times what it would be like after they came home, could picture how your life would be different and all that and looked forward to it but....  How can you not picture your life without them in it even though that's something you've actually experienced?
     If you think about it hard enough you can picture that child no longer existing, but it hurts too much.  Besides why should you even think such a thing?  It's not like they are going to be gone all of a sudden today or anything.  If and when that happens you'll face it then, not now, now would be ridiculous - unneeded heartbreak.

When these children leave my home it'll become a reality I have to face, but right now?  Right now I can't fathom my life being any different than it is today.  When the day draws near then maybe it'll be different.  But for now... I don't know....  I'll enjoy them being in our home while I somehow dream of them being in theirs and try my best to ignore the fact that those two things really don't mesh.  It's all too difficult to imagine and I'd really rather just wait because it's not becoming my reality right now anyway.