The other day there was a baby dedication at our church. As a woman who is barren baby dedications can mean a roller-coaster of fairly negative emotions. As I sat there listening to the words the minister was saying first thing I thought was *will that ever be me up there?*. It wouldn't be right or whatever to do a baby dedication for a foster child. Who knows how long they will stay with us? We can't commit to raising this child up right or whatever when we don't know if we'll get to keep them... Then I wondered if it would be weird and if they'd be willing to do a child dedication if we adopt.
As I sat dreaming of adoption, I heard him say something about how this was a "miracle baby" and I thought *were they infertile too? how long did it take them to conceive? maybe he didn't mean miracle baby like I'm thinking and instead the baby had survived some rough times...*.
As I'm trying not to think of infertility he says "The fruit of the womb is God's gift to His people.". And bam! I feel like I just got stabbed with a knife. A sharp pain hit me and a wave of depression swept over me. I wanted to be anywhere else but there in that moment as I thought how God hadn't given me "fruit of the womb". I tried to push the feelings back and thought *maybe He's given me fruit of someone else's womb* and instead that thought just made me feel even more hurt. That's not how He intended things! Does God bless people through adoption? Yes. But do you think He intends for mothers to be torn away from the children that they've born? No, surely not. Adoption is still a blessing, but it's not the same. It's secondary. It's like... like they didn't honor the blessing He gave them and so now He's giving it to someone else who will appreciate it. I don't know...
Even though I technically have children now (no matter how temporary they may be) sometimes this barren stuff is still difficult to deal with. I'm tired of moments like these where my heart hurts for something I don't know if I will ever receive.
Monday, April 4, 2016
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
Secret Identity
The other day I was at Walmart with my 8month old baby boy. Just me and the baby doing some grocery shopping minding our own business. Now when you go shopping with a baby you can expect people to stop you to admire your child. You can expect the comments about how adorable your baby is and you're not surprised when they want to touch the little piggies that you didn't cover with socks (cause they won't keep them on and you didn't want to lose them in the store). Well the other day we were shopping and this older lady came up to us and asked a question I didn't want to answer. It was a simple question and I ignored it. She proceeded to ask me over and over again, it was ridiculous! Want to know the question she seemed to demand an answer to?
"Where'd he get that bright blonde hair?"
As I said, it's a simple question. And at that moment I very much wished it was his dad that was the blonde in the family. If it was his dad I would easily answer that his daddy has blonde hair. Sure she would assume that means my husband has blonde hair, which he doesn't, but she doesn't need to know that. She would move on to something else feeling her question answered. Or she might mention something about how with bright blonde hair and my dark hair she's surprised he didn't turn out redheaded. And I could make a comment about how I thought it was going to be red, looked kind of strawberry blonde this summer... Yadda, yadda it would have been fine. But no, it's not his dad.
The blonde in his family is his mother, which is who she assumed I was. It's a nice assumption that I gladly take, and truly I am his mother - just not biologically or legally. If this woman already knew he was my foster child than I'd easily say his mom is where he gets the blonde, but then if she knew that already then she probably wouldn't have asked. When I told this story to my sister she wanted to know why it's so hard to simply say: he's my foster son; he gets the blonde from his mom.
Why is it not easy to say that? Why do I want to avoid telling strangers that he's a foster kid? Because I knew the kind of comments that would follow. Comments like:
How could she already fail to take care of him when he is so little?
Was it drugs?
People like that don't deserve to have kids.
You are such a saint to take him in! I could never do that, I'd get too attached.
He must have been a drug baby.
You are such a blessing to him! Thank God for you!
Will you get to keep him? I hope you do.
How could someone not love this little guy?! I can't believe his mother...
The world needs more people like you in it.
The comments pretty well go one of two ways: make the parents sound like garbage, or raise us up on a pedestals as saints. Often times it's a combination of the two. People just really don't know what to say. Usually the comments are from someone who is outside of the fostering world who is naive to what it's like being in it. You don't have to be a foster parent or a foster kid to be in this fostering world. There are teachers, daycare workers, cops, lawyers, judges, and so on and so forth. My family is all being introduced to this world because we are now a part of it, and eventually they'll probably understand it as we do.
Anyway... When people trash the parents: I want to defend them. I don't want to hear all that negativity. I want to have hope for the parents and they present them as a lost cause even though they know nothing about them. A lot of times those comments just make me mad, especially if it's coming from someone I know of who professes to be a Christian. Because aren't Christians the ones who say everyone deserves forgiveness? But comments like that quickly say they don't believe the parent deserves it.
When comments are said to make us sound like saints... I don't like that either. We are not perfect, we're are just willing to do what many people are not. Willing to be vulnerable to the hurt of losing someone we love. We get attached to these kids, Jared gets attached almost immediately. These children are a blessing to us, probably more so than we are to them. People say the world needs more good foster parents like us, but then tell us they could never do it because they'd get too attached. Know that that means?!?! They should become a foster parent because getting "too attached" would mean they'd be good at it because getting "too attached" would mean they actually love the kid. And that's all these kids really need; someone to love them.
Getting back to my story of the lady in Walmart... I didn't really answer her question. I told her about how his brother has blonde hair, and about how my sister and my brother started out blonde and it got darker. Those two things are both true, and when you put them together like that... Well she felt satisfied with my answer. She assumed he was my own child, and I let her continue that assumption. But she never really asked me if he was mine or not, now did she? So why answer a question she didn't ask?
You see these children are mine. I love them. I care for them. I am their mom. But when it comes to strangers my kids have a secret identity, and that identity is that they are also not mine; they are fosters.
"Where'd he get that bright blonde hair?"
As I said, it's a simple question. And at that moment I very much wished it was his dad that was the blonde in the family. If it was his dad I would easily answer that his daddy has blonde hair. Sure she would assume that means my husband has blonde hair, which he doesn't, but she doesn't need to know that. She would move on to something else feeling her question answered. Or she might mention something about how with bright blonde hair and my dark hair she's surprised he didn't turn out redheaded. And I could make a comment about how I thought it was going to be red, looked kind of strawberry blonde this summer... Yadda, yadda it would have been fine. But no, it's not his dad.
The blonde in his family is his mother, which is who she assumed I was. It's a nice assumption that I gladly take, and truly I am his mother - just not biologically or legally. If this woman already knew he was my foster child than I'd easily say his mom is where he gets the blonde, but then if she knew that already then she probably wouldn't have asked. When I told this story to my sister she wanted to know why it's so hard to simply say: he's my foster son; he gets the blonde from his mom.
Why is it not easy to say that? Why do I want to avoid telling strangers that he's a foster kid? Because I knew the kind of comments that would follow. Comments like:
How could she already fail to take care of him when he is so little?
Was it drugs?
People like that don't deserve to have kids.
You are such a saint to take him in! I could never do that, I'd get too attached.
He must have been a drug baby.
You are such a blessing to him! Thank God for you!
Will you get to keep him? I hope you do.
How could someone not love this little guy?! I can't believe his mother...
The world needs more people like you in it.
The comments pretty well go one of two ways: make the parents sound like garbage, or raise us up on a pedestals as saints. Often times it's a combination of the two. People just really don't know what to say. Usually the comments are from someone who is outside of the fostering world who is naive to what it's like being in it. You don't have to be a foster parent or a foster kid to be in this fostering world. There are teachers, daycare workers, cops, lawyers, judges, and so on and so forth. My family is all being introduced to this world because we are now a part of it, and eventually they'll probably understand it as we do.
Anyway... When people trash the parents: I want to defend them. I don't want to hear all that negativity. I want to have hope for the parents and they present them as a lost cause even though they know nothing about them. A lot of times those comments just make me mad, especially if it's coming from someone I know of who professes to be a Christian. Because aren't Christians the ones who say everyone deserves forgiveness? But comments like that quickly say they don't believe the parent deserves it.
When comments are said to make us sound like saints... I don't like that either. We are not perfect, we're are just willing to do what many people are not. Willing to be vulnerable to the hurt of losing someone we love. We get attached to these kids, Jared gets attached almost immediately. These children are a blessing to us, probably more so than we are to them. People say the world needs more good foster parents like us, but then tell us they could never do it because they'd get too attached. Know that that means?!?! They should become a foster parent because getting "too attached" would mean they'd be good at it because getting "too attached" would mean they actually love the kid. And that's all these kids really need; someone to love them.
Getting back to my story of the lady in Walmart... I didn't really answer her question. I told her about how his brother has blonde hair, and about how my sister and my brother started out blonde and it got darker. Those two things are both true, and when you put them together like that... Well she felt satisfied with my answer. She assumed he was my own child, and I let her continue that assumption. But she never really asked me if he was mine or not, now did she? So why answer a question she didn't ask?
You see these children are mine. I love them. I care for them. I am their mom. But when it comes to strangers my kids have a secret identity, and that identity is that they are also not mine; they are fosters.
Thursday, March 3, 2016
Can't Imagine
When I tell people that the bio-parents to our kiddo are doing great and whether things stay like they are right now or they continue to improve that their kid'll probably go home to them eventually... People jump on the sympathy train. I tell them these things with a smile on my face, I say these things with excitement in my voice, but people don't see it, and people don't hear it. What they see and hear are unfortunately the person I used to be a few months ago. The person they assume I am still today. The figure my attitude is just a mask to what I'm truly feeling on the inside. And guess what!? It's not! It really is a God thing that it isn't a mask. The smile and the excitement isn't me putting on a front trying to get you to move on from a difficult topic. I'm not trying to hide how I feel. And when you jump on the train to give me sympathy because you know this must be hard for me... I want to throw you off, lol, you got on the wrong train my friend. This train? Not a sad one. It's a happy train. It's a party train. Don't be a party pooper, lol. When I talk about them happily it's cause I'm actually happy for them.
See here's the thing, and it's confusing, I can imagine the bio-parents getting their kid back. I can imagine their happy future together. I can dream these happy things for them, and I pray they may happen. But at the same time I can not imagine this kid not being in my life. So what I simply tell people when they try to pity me and whatever because they know when the kid leaves it'll break my heart... well I tell them I don't want to think about it. The thing is honestly... I don't even know if I can think about it.
Think about the people in your life, can you picture life without them? Say it's a child, the child just came home from being born yesterday, can you imagine life without them? Two days ago they weren't here! You imagined so many times what it would be like after they came home, could picture how your life would be different and all that and looked forward to it but.... How can you not picture your life without them in it even though that's something you've actually experienced?
If you think about it hard enough you can picture that child no longer existing, but it hurts too much. Besides why should you even think such a thing? It's not like they are going to be gone all of a sudden today or anything. If and when that happens you'll face it then, not now, now would be ridiculous - unneeded heartbreak.
When these children leave my home it'll become a reality I have to face, but right now? Right now I can't fathom my life being any different than it is today. When the day draws near then maybe it'll be different. But for now... I don't know.... I'll enjoy them being in our home while I somehow dream of them being in theirs and try my best to ignore the fact that those two things really don't mesh. It's all too difficult to imagine and I'd really rather just wait because it's not becoming my reality right now anyway.
See here's the thing, and it's confusing, I can imagine the bio-parents getting their kid back. I can imagine their happy future together. I can dream these happy things for them, and I pray they may happen. But at the same time I can not imagine this kid not being in my life. So what I simply tell people when they try to pity me and whatever because they know when the kid leaves it'll break my heart... well I tell them I don't want to think about it. The thing is honestly... I don't even know if I can think about it.
Think about the people in your life, can you picture life without them? Say it's a child, the child just came home from being born yesterday, can you imagine life without them? Two days ago they weren't here! You imagined so many times what it would be like after they came home, could picture how your life would be different and all that and looked forward to it but.... How can you not picture your life without them in it even though that's something you've actually experienced?
If you think about it hard enough you can picture that child no longer existing, but it hurts too much. Besides why should you even think such a thing? It's not like they are going to be gone all of a sudden today or anything. If and when that happens you'll face it then, not now, now would be ridiculous - unneeded heartbreak.
When these children leave my home it'll become a reality I have to face, but right now? Right now I can't fathom my life being any different than it is today. When the day draws near then maybe it'll be different. But for now... I don't know.... I'll enjoy them being in our home while I somehow dream of them being in theirs and try my best to ignore the fact that those two things really don't mesh. It's all too difficult to imagine and I'd really rather just wait because it's not becoming my reality right now anyway.
Thursday, February 25, 2016
Desires of My Heart
Psalm 37:4 "Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."
For years I think I only heard the last part of that verse. A verse that seemed to promise that because I have desired becoming a mom my whole life that it will happen. God wouldn't allow me to have that desire and not fulfill it, right? I feel entitled to motherhood because of the way that verse has been preached to me. I have felt that since I am a Christian and that a pregnancy has been my great desire that God will give it to me, that the desire must have been placed in my heart by Him. Honestly... I just don't know anymore.
I read this verse again a couple years ago and the beginning really stood out to me. This verse is conditional! Many promises God gives are. If we want what He promises we must first do our part. In this verse? In this verse He calls us to first take delight in Him. Just think about that: Finding delight in the Lord. It sounds like a place of peace to me, peace and joy and... Satisfaction! To me taking delight in the Lord would mean realizing that He is all I really need. You take delight in the Lord and then, THEN, He will give you the desires of your heart. What will the desires of your heart be at that point? Good chance they won't be anything selfish. You see I don't think of that verse the same at all anymore. I no longer think it means God will give me what I want. No I think it means if I seek Him first and take delight in His presence and all that... He will give me the DESIRES in my heart. He will point me in the direction He wants me to go by giving me a love for something I may never have even loved before. Selfish desires will fade away as I am filled with selfless desires to please Him.
This foster care journey? Oh my has it been an adventure. And I don't mean just the being a foster mommy part, or their cases being a roller-coaster ride stuck in limbo land wondering where they will go and what will happen to these kids in the end. It has been an insane ride emotionally and spiritually as well. I look back at myself...3?...4?... months ago and I don't like what I see. So so selfish! I didn't know I could think such mean thoughts. Thoughts I am ashamed I ever thought. If you are a Christian and you believe everyone deserves forgiveness... Believe anyone deserves another chance... If you think no one is a lost cause... Become a foster parent. There are so many things we say we believe, things that when we stop and think about it it's how we know we ought to feel or whatever, but how often do we get a chance to put it in action? The woman at the well that Jesus spoke to? Imagine sitting at a bus stop and a woman who is obviously a hooker comes by hanging out next to your little pavilion. What do you do? You definitely don't talk to her. You probably avoid eye contact. Good chance you get up and walk away, you can find another bus stop. You condemn her with your actions without ever having said a word to her. Jesus? If He had a cigarette He'd ask her for a light. He would find some way to engage her in conversation and when she walked away He would encourage her for a better future instead of condemning her for her past. When Jesus told the woman at the well to "go and sin no more" that's exactly what He was doing; encouraging instead of condemning.
You know I used to wish these biological parents would fail? Whatever they were struggling with I didn't wish they would overcome it. Didn't wish them a happy future. Didn't wish them success in their lives. I wished they would fail. I wished they would give in to old temptations. I wished the past to continue to repeat itself over again in their lives. I wished them failure. Just to fail once more so I could keep their kid for myself, after that they can straighten up and have a good life, but not now, not while it means this kid could go back to them. How horrible is that?! How ugly and nasty our flesh can be! Think any of those thoughts were from God? No. No instead He grabbed me by the shoulders, looked me straight in the eye, and said, "I. Love. Them.". And I cried ugly tears because I knew it was true and I didn't want to believe it.
Since that moment I have changed. Have I never thought such things again? I have, but those thoughts have become fewer and further apart. When I told someone a little while back about a parent getting a job, that person told me they won't keep it. And I had renewed hope that the parent would fail. I walked away without comment thinking happily that maybe I still would have a chance to keep this child. I think if that was said to me today I'd have a different reaction to it. Because now? Now I am almost afraid to share the joy I feel in the success of the parents. Why? Because I'm afraid someone will take it away from me. I want to feel this excitement for them. I want to encourage them and not condemn them. And when others wish them ill, when others condemn them, I want it to upset me. I want to be the one to stand up for these parents when no one else will. I want to plant seeds of hope in them when others make them feel hopeless.
You see, my prayer is no longer that we will get to keep this child, though everyone assumes that's what it is and it is their prayer for me. No my prayer is that if we don't, that my excitement will overshadow my grief. That though my heart breaks that it would be overflowing with joy. To see a family reunited should be a blessing! And I should be happy to be a part of that.
I want a child we get to keep. I dearly want that, but that doesn't mean it's this one. And it doesn't mean it's the next one. And really it doesn't mean that it'll be any of them. Maybe that desire is there so we will better help others keep their kids. Maybe we'll get to see many families reunited and because of our encouraging words and actions we will have helped those reunions happen.
It is a confusing world this foster parenting stuff... lol.
For years I think I only heard the last part of that verse. A verse that seemed to promise that because I have desired becoming a mom my whole life that it will happen. God wouldn't allow me to have that desire and not fulfill it, right? I feel entitled to motherhood because of the way that verse has been preached to me. I have felt that since I am a Christian and that a pregnancy has been my great desire that God will give it to me, that the desire must have been placed in my heart by Him. Honestly... I just don't know anymore.
I read this verse again a couple years ago and the beginning really stood out to me. This verse is conditional! Many promises God gives are. If we want what He promises we must first do our part. In this verse? In this verse He calls us to first take delight in Him. Just think about that: Finding delight in the Lord. It sounds like a place of peace to me, peace and joy and... Satisfaction! To me taking delight in the Lord would mean realizing that He is all I really need. You take delight in the Lord and then, THEN, He will give you the desires of your heart. What will the desires of your heart be at that point? Good chance they won't be anything selfish. You see I don't think of that verse the same at all anymore. I no longer think it means God will give me what I want. No I think it means if I seek Him first and take delight in His presence and all that... He will give me the DESIRES in my heart. He will point me in the direction He wants me to go by giving me a love for something I may never have even loved before. Selfish desires will fade away as I am filled with selfless desires to please Him.
This foster care journey? Oh my has it been an adventure. And I don't mean just the being a foster mommy part, or their cases being a roller-coaster ride stuck in limbo land wondering where they will go and what will happen to these kids in the end. It has been an insane ride emotionally and spiritually as well. I look back at myself...3?...4?... months ago and I don't like what I see. So so selfish! I didn't know I could think such mean thoughts. Thoughts I am ashamed I ever thought. If you are a Christian and you believe everyone deserves forgiveness... Believe anyone deserves another chance... If you think no one is a lost cause... Become a foster parent. There are so many things we say we believe, things that when we stop and think about it it's how we know we ought to feel or whatever, but how often do we get a chance to put it in action? The woman at the well that Jesus spoke to? Imagine sitting at a bus stop and a woman who is obviously a hooker comes by hanging out next to your little pavilion. What do you do? You definitely don't talk to her. You probably avoid eye contact. Good chance you get up and walk away, you can find another bus stop. You condemn her with your actions without ever having said a word to her. Jesus? If He had a cigarette He'd ask her for a light. He would find some way to engage her in conversation and when she walked away He would encourage her for a better future instead of condemning her for her past. When Jesus told the woman at the well to "go and sin no more" that's exactly what He was doing; encouraging instead of condemning.
You know I used to wish these biological parents would fail? Whatever they were struggling with I didn't wish they would overcome it. Didn't wish them a happy future. Didn't wish them success in their lives. I wished they would fail. I wished they would give in to old temptations. I wished the past to continue to repeat itself over again in their lives. I wished them failure. Just to fail once more so I could keep their kid for myself, after that they can straighten up and have a good life, but not now, not while it means this kid could go back to them. How horrible is that?! How ugly and nasty our flesh can be! Think any of those thoughts were from God? No. No instead He grabbed me by the shoulders, looked me straight in the eye, and said, "I. Love. Them.". And I cried ugly tears because I knew it was true and I didn't want to believe it.
Since that moment I have changed. Have I never thought such things again? I have, but those thoughts have become fewer and further apart. When I told someone a little while back about a parent getting a job, that person told me they won't keep it. And I had renewed hope that the parent would fail. I walked away without comment thinking happily that maybe I still would have a chance to keep this child. I think if that was said to me today I'd have a different reaction to it. Because now? Now I am almost afraid to share the joy I feel in the success of the parents. Why? Because I'm afraid someone will take it away from me. I want to feel this excitement for them. I want to encourage them and not condemn them. And when others wish them ill, when others condemn them, I want it to upset me. I want to be the one to stand up for these parents when no one else will. I want to plant seeds of hope in them when others make them feel hopeless.
You see, my prayer is no longer that we will get to keep this child, though everyone assumes that's what it is and it is their prayer for me. No my prayer is that if we don't, that my excitement will overshadow my grief. That though my heart breaks that it would be overflowing with joy. To see a family reunited should be a blessing! And I should be happy to be a part of that.
I want a child we get to keep. I dearly want that, but that doesn't mean it's this one. And it doesn't mean it's the next one. And really it doesn't mean that it'll be any of them. Maybe that desire is there so we will better help others keep their kids. Maybe we'll get to see many families reunited and because of our encouraging words and actions we will have helped those reunions happen.
It is a confusing world this foster parenting stuff... lol.
Monday, February 1, 2016
Bar Stool vs. Church Pew
This video inspired this post:
I keep going back and forth about how I feel towards the bio-parents of our baby. It is so easy to go along with what everyone else says about them and expect (and sadly hope) that they will fail. And then God knocks me upside the head and reminds me that He loves them. And then I have to reshape my whole thinking again.
I've often thought of the woman at the well. It doesn't mention kids, but there is a good chance that she may have had several. Maybe these kids she didn't have anymore. Or maybe there were many abortions involved... I don't know.. It doesn't mention kids, and it doesn't matter if they were a part of her life or not. But I think Jesus would have treated her the same either way.
WWJD? I don't know what to say to these bio-parents. I understand since they are a part of my life that it is a good chance to be a witness to them... But I don't know what to say. They are nice enough. They are never mean to me. Small talk is as much as we ever have.
Yesterday our minister preached on Jesus' love. He mentioned the verse where the woman was caught in adultery, where Jesus told her to "go and sin no more". He said instead of condemning her He encouraged her. I never thought of it that way. It's so simple. Easy? Not necessarily. But it is simple. And it is what He would do. And I think I can work with that.
I often ask people to pray for these parents, but we also need prayers for our hearts to be where God wants them to be. I'm tired of flip-flopping what I think. I want to give them hope. I want them to know that their child is well cared for and loved, but I don't want them to think we wish them to fail, and I don't want to wish them to fail.
Foster parenting really makes you think more about the bar stool and the church pew. No matter where someone is sitting themselves, it is really hard to find someone who doesn't immediately put these parents on the bar stool. And it breaks my heart for them. Most of the time people will live up to what you expect of them. For sooo many to expect them to fail because of their past... I can't imagine where I would be today if at my darkest times people had done that to me.
(By the way, I don't think people on bar stools are bad. If we had any bars around here that could be us, lol. I just continued to use that as the metaphor because of the video.)
I keep going back and forth about how I feel towards the bio-parents of our baby. It is so easy to go along with what everyone else says about them and expect (and sadly hope) that they will fail. And then God knocks me upside the head and reminds me that He loves them. And then I have to reshape my whole thinking again.
I've often thought of the woman at the well. It doesn't mention kids, but there is a good chance that she may have had several. Maybe these kids she didn't have anymore. Or maybe there were many abortions involved... I don't know.. It doesn't mention kids, and it doesn't matter if they were a part of her life or not. But I think Jesus would have treated her the same either way.
WWJD? I don't know what to say to these bio-parents. I understand since they are a part of my life that it is a good chance to be a witness to them... But I don't know what to say. They are nice enough. They are never mean to me. Small talk is as much as we ever have.
Yesterday our minister preached on Jesus' love. He mentioned the verse where the woman was caught in adultery, where Jesus told her to "go and sin no more". He said instead of condemning her He encouraged her. I never thought of it that way. It's so simple. Easy? Not necessarily. But it is simple. And it is what He would do. And I think I can work with that.
I often ask people to pray for these parents, but we also need prayers for our hearts to be where God wants them to be. I'm tired of flip-flopping what I think. I want to give them hope. I want them to know that their child is well cared for and loved, but I don't want them to think we wish them to fail, and I don't want to wish them to fail.
Foster parenting really makes you think more about the bar stool and the church pew. No matter where someone is sitting themselves, it is really hard to find someone who doesn't immediately put these parents on the bar stool. And it breaks my heart for them. Most of the time people will live up to what you expect of them. For sooo many to expect them to fail because of their past... I can't imagine where I would be today if at my darkest times people had done that to me.
(By the way, I don't think people on bar stools are bad. If we had any bars around here that could be us, lol. I just continued to use that as the metaphor because of the video.)
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